The Hunger Years

There are days every now and again that the boy and I get unreasonably down.  These are the times when we don’t know where we’re supposed to be in life and what we should be doing.   We don’t know if we’re making an impact, we don’t understand why we aren’t more successful, and we feel as if we’re going around in circles.   Sometimes it can get so frustrating that I find myself in tears.  Luckily, we seem to alter these feelings of self doubt so that one of us is in a better mood and can slap the other one out of the dumps.

We’re young.  We’re not supposed to have everything figured out.  In fact, I’m not sure if I know of anyone that does have it all figured out.  That’s what makes life so wonderful.  That’s why I love to travel.  There’s the unknown and the sense of endless opportunities.  These years are not supposed to be easy, and they haven’t been, but I’ve grown so much and not only that, I’ve gotten to get to know myself better.

We’ve dubbed these “the hunger years”.  These are the years where you should explore and question.  These are the years where you’re supposed to take the time to figure out who you are and what you want out of this life.  These are the years where you live in a tin can while living life to the absolute fullest.  These are the years where you question, have doubt, and find the peace that you need to move on.

I have to remind myself that I’m still (kind of) a baby. I just turned a quarter of a century.  I remember back when I was sixteen, so young and naive.  I thought I was going to marry the equally naive boy that I was dating at the time.  I thought I’d have kids by the age of 23.  I thought that one day I would just wake up and be older and wiser and more mature.  I thought that once you were out of high school things would magically fall into place.  I even thought that once you graduated from a university you were pretty much guaranteed the job of your dream.  Ha. Haha.  Hahahahaha.

I quite literally thank God every night that he didn’t give me what my little 16 year old self used to pray for every night.  I would be one.hot.mess.

I’ve deemed the 20’s for myself.  It’s my time to figure out who I am and what I want.  I’m in the position where I don’t have any children and little responsibility, that I can take the time to travel and spend a significant amount of time away from home.  There are those times when I look at all the adorable, chubby faced children that my friends have and yearn for one myself.  I wonder if I should be “settling down” or thinking about marriage.  I just know that I’m not ready.  I’m way too selfish to have children and I’m perfectly happy with where the boy and I are at right now.  I deeply admire the women that have devoted themselves to loving and raising their children and I envy their unabashed selflessness.

We just moved out of our Korea studio apartment with our monster of a cat.  We don’t have unlimited funds that we can spend on expensive champagne and caviar (who really eats caviar anyway?).  I don’t get to go on a huge shopping spree every month.  I still have a pile of student loans and one silly credit card that hold me down.

But even with all of that, I find myself blessed beyond measure.  When I take a step back and look at all that Chris and I have accomplished since graduating college (or even high school) I am amazed.  Together we have traveled to over 30 countries.  We are able to support ourselves and I am even able to send money home every month to pay off my student loans.  We have our own place, albeit a ridiculously small one.  We are in love.  It’s disgusting and I don’t even like to talk about it, but we truly are head over heels in love.  gross.  We can travel, and because we’re were in Korea, it was a lot cheaper than it would be if we were back home.  We have a business that is slowly coming together and it’s something that we both love.  To top it off, we both have such amazing family and friends that it quite literally makes my head spin.

I am overwhelmed with a sense or gratitude.  I don’t know what we did to deserve the amazing life that we lead.  It may seem that we’re climbing Everest on roller blades, but in all reality, we’re doing alright.  We’re doing alright.