A Cat-astrophic Rant.

Aside from the fact that we were “traveling” home when the incident occurred, this post has nothing to do with travel.  This is a rant.  A long, expletive filled rant.  You were warned… so no complaints about how this wasn’t what you expected.

You know when you’ve been on the road for a while, and it’s near the end of your trip and the only thing you can think about is the comfort of your nice, warm bed waiting for you?  You fantasize about how you’re going to set down your bags and jump into the fluffy comforter and inviting pillows.  Your room will be just as you left it- even cleaner if you’re lucky, and you’ll peacefully drift off to sleep. (Cue the angel choir.)

Do you want to know what we walked into today when we finally arrived home at midnight after a long day of travel?  You probably don’t, but we’re going to tell you any way.

Shit.  We arrived home to shit.  It wasn’t just a little “mess” in the center of the bedroom.  It was sprawling.  It was an African savannah of shit.  It looked like the Dark Lord had returned and detonated (expelli-anused) a cat.  A cat that had a full stomach.  Multiple cats even.

It got progressively worse as we entered the room.  At first we only saw a few splattered puddles, but as we continued on we saw the carpet massacre that lay before us.  It was a run on sentence of feces.  A catastrophe, a fecal fiesta, if you will.  It was a scene straight out of CSI except neither of us wanted to examine the blood shit spatter and we already knew who the culprit was.

It should be explained that we took the long journey to Chris’s mother’s house.  This is not the work of our sweet angel kitty, Ares.  No.  He knows better.  This had to be Lewis.  The same deceitful Lewis that jumped on Chris’s chest to be pet and then proceeded to expel all of his bodily fluids on him.  The Lewis that will beg to be loved and then bite your hand.

We’ve already thought of numerous scenarios on how to get our revenge.  One involves leaving our own “presents” in his nice heated kitty-bed.  Another includes his favorite toy mouse sans head.  Maybe we’ll dump all his catnip down the toilet.  Whatever we do, it will be grand.

Needless to say, after about an hour of vacuuming and scrubbing, we are pooped.  If you made it through this rant, we applaud you.  The moral of the story is… whoever said “cats don’t give a shit” is wrong.  So very wrong.

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  1. Kate
    October 20, 2011 at 9:52 am - Reply

    *dies laughing* I’m so sorry, I know it was a truly miserable experience for the two of you, but omg… LOL! I have had a similar experience, albeit on a much smaller scale, when coming home to cat poop and vomit everywhere when one of the babies got sick while I was away. But you’re right, the worst part of it *isn’t* that the cat has made a mess, it’s that you were deprived of that ‘Ahhhh, I’m home!’ feeling that you can only get from walking into your house and having everything be ‘just so.’

    Awesome post – loved every word. 🙂


    • Captain & Clark
      October 20, 2011 at 3:54 pm - Reply

      We’re glad you enjoyed it! We needed a way to release our anger and a blog post seemed to be the best route to take. We now make sure the door is safely locked behind us every time we leave the room. Lewis had tried to look innocent, but we all know the truth 🙂 Hope you never have to walk into a scene like that!

  2. Mom Clark
    October 20, 2011 at 1:50 pm - Reply

    THIS WAS HILARIOUS! What did you two do to deserve such a welcome! Ares would NEVER behave like that!!!!!

    • Captain & Clark
      October 20, 2011 at 3:55 pm - Reply

      No, Ares wouldn’t. He’s a good boy 🙂 Lewis is old and for some reason he likes to do all his dirty work in Chris’s room. It.was.awful.

  3. Cailin
    October 20, 2011 at 4:24 pm - Reply


  4. Gerard
    October 20, 2011 at 10:31 pm - Reply

    Thank you for not posting a photo of the fecal fiesta. 🙂

    • Captain & Clark
      October 21, 2011 at 12:24 am - Reply

      You are very, very welcome. Not going to say that it didn’t cross my mind though. 🙂

  5. Glenn Dixon
    October 21, 2011 at 4:18 am - Reply

    Cats are evil.

  6. Claire
    October 25, 2011 at 8:48 pm - Reply

    Ewwww! (but I did laugh, I have a similar story and it’s never funny when it happens to you!)

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